Fri Dec 09, 16 7:27 pm
Amused ][ Currently:
Reading What I wrote so long ago and laughing at it! ]
For the new people and the people whom do not remember, here are ALL the installments of THE CROCHET LESSONS. Enjoy!
I taught crochet to two young people for about a year and had learned how to teach young, rambunctious and hyper children. You have to start with some simple lessons, get them interested and weed out the ones that will quit later. I like to start with the following two lessons. Normally they take a couple of weeks to learn these basics rules, and you must adjust them to fit your individual needs.
These are a few of mine:
Lesson Number One:
The crochet hook is not an offensive weapon, toenail or ear cleaner, cooking utensil or a booger wrangler.
Lesson Number Two:
The yarn is not to be pulled through your mouth, used as rock climbing equipment, a hangmen noose, strewn across the room in a gigantic representation of a spider web nor used to tie up annoying siblings.
Once you have the students master these first two lessons, only then will they be ready to move on to the actual uses of said devises.
I will reveal said uses at a later date, giving all those who would like to learn to crochet, the chance to catch up to those who have mastered the first two lessons.
Teacher walks into crochet class:
"Alright now, class! Quiet down! Good morning!"
"Yes, Sereina, I packed my own lunch again."
"Rachel, ladies do not put crochet hooks in their ears."
"Alan, would you stop winding your yarn around Laura's head? Because you'll get it in her beautiful eyes, that's why."
"Nickolas, would you please come down off of the ceiling fan? No, dear, it won't fly away without you."
"Laura, I know Alan was mean, but that's no reason to pinch him. Because it's not ladylike."
"Rachel, honey, how many times do I have to tell you to take your crochet hook out of your ear? You'll hurt yourself."
"No, Nick, you can't use your hook as a throttle lever for your spaceship. Yes, honey, I know your going to be an astronaut someday. Of course you will."
"Sereina, there are certain times when a lady does not talk about how many worms she ate the other day. Yes, sweetie, this is one of those times."
"Laura, dearie, you shouldn't say things like that. Because it's not nice."
"Rachel, dear, would you please take your crochet hook out of your ear? Thank you, honey."
"Alan, GENTLEMEN do not say such things. Becaaaause... it will ban them from The Big Boys Club!... Well, then, it will get back to the government and they won't let you buy guns when your old enough... Well, when they find out, they will take it away... Yes, they can, too! Now, sit down, and start untangling your yarn."
"LAURA! How could you do such a thing to such a sweet, darling little girl like Ser... SEREINA! LET GO OF HER HAIR THIS INSTANT! Don't you stamp your foot at ME, young lady!"
"NICKOLAS NICKOLI NICKELODEON! GET OFF ALAN! I don't care if that isn't your name! You do what I say or I am going to have a long talk with your FATHER"!
"RACHEL! GET YOUR CROCHET HOOK OUT OF YOUR EAR OR I WIL...!"
"Alright class, file out quietly. Thank you for coming! We had fun today, didn't we? Byebye! Yes, Sereina, I'll pack my lunch again tomorrow. Byebye! Uhhuh. Byebye!"
Closes door, walks over to the desk...
Drops into chair,
puts arms on top of desk,
buries face in arms and
"Good morning, class!" *smiles sweetly*
"Alright, everyone take your hooks out and put them ON YOUR DESK! Good, very good! Ohhh, it looks like Alan & Sereina couldn't make it today… Now, quiet down, class. We've lots of ground to cover today… No, Laura, we’re not going anywhere… Because I've just decided not to."
"Now, I want to... Oh, Rachel! Flowers? For me?... Oh, of course I forgive you for yesterday! How sweet! They smell wonder-AAAAAGGH!" *ahem* "Rachel? Will you please take your frog back to your desk?...”
"Good, now, we have some new pupils today! Isn't that wonderful? Andrea? Timothy? Uriah? Would you stand up, please? No, not on your desks, boys, on the floor. Thank you. Now, which one would like to tell about themselves first? AlRIGHT Timothy, if it means that much to you, let go of Uriah's ear and you may go first… Um, where do you think you are you going?... Oh, ok, yes, you may go get your Power Point presentan-Wait, how long is it?... ok… You might have to wait till after class, so go sit down… What? NO! *ahem* I mean, no, you may not propose to any of the girls first… Because you have to ask their fathers first… Ok, you do that… Yes, sit down now. Thank you."
"Nickolas? Airplane-making will be done at shop class. Alright then, spaceship-making will be done at shop class. Ok, spaceship-building will be done... Fine, super-sonic-hydro-electric-fermented-oatmeal-rocket-spaceship-building will... JUST QUIT IT AND SIT DOWN!"
“Would you please stop going to the window, Uriah?... You have a pet what out there?!... oh… Weeelll,…. Could you please leave it outside? Thank you. Alright, Uriah, now that we got Timothy settled in the corner, please tell us about yourself… Ok, I guess I didn't know that about tanks, goats and winter wheat diseases… Yes, it was very diverse. You may sit down now… on you chair. Thank you.”
“Laura? This is crochet class, not knitting class. Please give Andrea back her hook… I don’t care if she let you have it, anyone would after being threatened like that… Give it back. Thank you… Yes, absolutely, you may talk to your mother about joining Miss Hunch’s knitting class… No, sit down, your mother won’t be here till after class… Yes, unfortunately, I’m sure.”
"Now, where was I?... What, Rachel? Sereina asked you to ask me wha..? Oh, Ye.. NO, my mother packed my lunch today. Yes, she sent it all the way from Nebraska. On dry ice… It is ice that is dry… I think they put it in a special clothes dryer… No, you’d better ask your mother first… Uh-huh… No, I wouldn’t put the frog in it.”
“Oh, yes! Andrea! Would you like to tell us about yourself?... No, wait! Where are you going?!... No nononon, honey, if you don’t want to, that’s ok, just come out from under the desk… Oh, come on, sweetie, I won’t make you tell… Yes, of course, I’ll tell them about yo-After you leave?... But, they leave at the same time and there won’t be any ti… Oh, ok, if that’s the way you want it, we can tell them about you tomorrow… Yes, you can come out now... No, you have to stay here till class is finished… No, I’m not going to tie you to your chair… Well, I’m not like your piano teacher.”
“Rachel? Do you have your hook in your ear?... Well, would you take your frog’s leg out of your ear?... You found what?... How did yo.. Never mind, just take his leg out of your ear. Thank you”
“You three may sit down till class is over… Now, I’d like you all to take the yarn in your left hand and your hook in yo-Timothy! Nickolas! Laura! I said, get away from that window!...Well, I’m saying it now! Uriah, sit down! No, you all are not going to play the ‘Great Escape’!... Yes, I WILL stop you!... With my cattle prod and net!... Andrea, just hide under your desk and cover your eyes!... You just said the wrong thing, young man!.. I don’t CARE if you’re a minor!... I’M THE LAW AROUND HERE!… SIT DOWN BEFORE I…
"Alright class, line up and file out slowly and quietly.. It was fun today, wasn't it?... Yes, I’ll be here tomorrow… No, I’m not going to kiss the frog goodbye… Because he is happier as your frog... Byebye!... Yes, Timothy, I have a date for Saturday… And Monday… And Tuesday… And Wednesday… Honey, I have a date every day… No, not with you… Byebye… Uh-huh… Byebye! Byebye!..."
*goes to the closet to get some goat feed, finds that there is no more, looks at the goat forlornly & crumples onto the floor in a sobbing mess*
*ten minutes later realizes doesn't own a goat*
*Scene opens on a clear summer day, sparkling with dew on the sunbeams, the daffodils and irises nodding to each other like old friends at a wedding. The colors are so vivid it looks like someone's paintbox has spilled all over the countryside in an array of deep greens, dusty tans, dark browns, lovely purples and dove grays. Everything seems beautiful, fresh and clean.*
*Until she comes down the road... A dark cloud engulfs our happy scene, creeping forward with each step of her sneaker clad foot upon the dirt road, the damp dust clinging to the soles of her feet, some of it rising in little puffs before her advancing figure, filtering softly away in the breeze from her skirts.*
*The halls are quiet, like a waxed tomb, echoing the slightest whisper off the polished surfaces. The light is blinding through the front windows, reflecting dully on the lockers, showing the dents and stains more clearly in the shadows. Everywhere else is in twilight, the temperature is cool, refreshing.*
*There's a click, the front door swings open, the bolt clicks back, the sound echoing down the halls. Quiet footsteps, pat, pat, pat, pat. Time can be marked by the steadiness in the rhythm, as she walks down the tiled floor. The sound precedes her, bouncing and rebounding off the walls, growing more confused as the sound travels, till it finally reaches the door of the room at the end of the hall. Last door on the left. Last door. The walk is nearly over.*
*The sound of her footsteps are nothing compared to the sounds of her beating heart and rasping breath. They join the rhythm, blending with it, harmonizing with it, then transcending it, finally overtaking it, overpowering the sound of the footfalls as she draws nearer the door. She pauses, a part of her goes beyond the ceiling she glanced at, a sigh, her breathing becomes controlled, her heart calmed. Her trembling hand gropes for the knob, it's callouses making slight rasping noises against the smooth metal.*
"Good mor- OH!"
*We need not describe the room....*
*But we must. The crepe paper hung limply from the bookshelves where damp little hands had secured it in untold ways. A book here, a pin there... An uprooted flower deigned to welcome her from the top of one of the cupboards, surrounded by it's court of fresh soil. A card stood or sat on each of the little desks, every color, every shape, every design. Yarn festooned the desk in dozens of strings of, Heaven bless them, crocheted chains of every color.*
*She couldn't help it. She fell to her knees and cried out a thank you that words could not engulf, nor lips form. The sound startled the troop of youngsters and livestock gathered at the window. Their watching would have indeed been in vain, for how could they know that the Teachers house was in the other direction?*
“Alright class, it’s time to sit down now… No, Camille, you may not sit on the top shelf just because it’s your first day... Because it’s against the rules… MY rules… Thank you.”
“Ok, today is a special day! Can you guess what it is?... No, Nickolas, it’s not my dog’s birthday… Um, no, Laura, it’s not because it’s your goat’s first day home from the hospital… Yes, I am sorry that it fell down the stairs… What was that Timothy?... No, I’m not announcing that I’m engaged…”
“Ok, everyone settled in their chairs? Good. Now, today is a special day because we’re going to learn how to hold the yarn! Won’t that be fun?... Yes, I know you know how to milk a goat, Uriah, but this is a little different… Um, no I don't... Because I live in town... Because that's where I live... Ok, I will look into getting a country house... Yes, of course, now does everyone have their yarn?... Yes, Rachel honey, you and Laura may share the yarn... No, just start at different ends, yes, good... Alright, now we just take the yarn in our left hand an-Nickolas, just the end of the yarn... Yes, not the whole skein... Ok, now you need to tie a loose knot in the yarn,... Yes, just like that, and… Nonononononono, NOT around your head! I know Noah is doing it but I will deal with him presently… You just do what I say and not what Noah does!... Ok, Noah, just hold still while I get the yarn out of your hair… Uh-hu-No wait, is that gum?... No honey, you have to make a knot without the help of gum... No, not yet Timothy… Because I am POSITIVE I can get the gum out of his ears without the help of a scisso-RACHEL?! Did I see a crochet hook in your ear? Well I (Hold still, Noah!) I don’t want any pens in them either!... Pens, pencils, paintbrushes, PAINTCANS! Just keep EVERYTHING out of your ears!”
Where is Timothy? He and Uriah are going to get a WHAT?! No, don’t cry Noah, I won’t let them!... No, just hold still and maybe I can get it out before they come back! Laura, go get me some peanut butter!... Ok, ask the science teacher if he has any vegetable oil! No, Rachel, my veggies aren’t squeaking… Doah, I no id hurds, bud please led go ob my dose… Thank you…”
“Camille, hand me a chair so I can sit down. Thank you. Now, Noah? You knew that gum is not supposed to go in your hair, right?... I know you didn’t mean to, honey, so just hold still and don’t think about it till Laura gets back… No, you don’t need to think about it after she does… Just think about your favorite things!... Stop singing, Rachel… What are your favorite things, Noah?... Reciting what? The Constitution of the United States?... Ok, we will try to be quiet while you do that…”
“Nickolas? Could you go see what is keeping Laura?... Please hurry, I’m getting tired… Well, it’s because I’m holding Noah on my knee, the yarn in one hand and the gum with the other, while keeping Rachel and Camille apart with my foot… Yes, Nickolas, I can hold out till you get back… Don’t you dare drag Laura back by her hai-… He can’t hear me… Camille, Rachel, please stop it!"
"Laura! Where have you been?! We have to get the gum out of Noah's hair before Timothy and Uri-... Yeess, deary, I knew vinegar and baking soda did that... Uh-huh, and that aluminum and bromine do that... Yes, I'm sure you did, now, did you bring the vegetable oil?... Well, you better go back and get it!... Yes, Noah, we will have it out before your Mom comes to pick you up... Yes, I have a hat if we don't..."
"Nickolas! Where have you been? No, I don't want to know! Just come over here and help me!... I know I may being doing fine, but I would be doing finer if I had some help!... Yes, grab the yarn and just hold it while I keep the rest of this gum out of Noah's ha-IR-CAMILLE! RACHEL! STOP! PUT DOWN THOSE SCISS- NICKOLAS! GET THOSE AWAY FROM THE GIRLS! NO! WAIT! PUT THE YARN DOWN FIRST! NONONONONONONOOOOO! STOP RUNNING AROUND US! CAMILLE! RACHEL! STOP THIS INSTANT!"
"Alright, now, Nickolas, untie Noah and me... Camille, get away from us with those scissors!... Put them on my desk and go sit in the corner! Rachel you too!... In the OTHER corner... Nickolas, I think you are going the wrong way, dear... No dear, it's getting tighter..."
Laura, finally! Hurry and give me the vegetable oil! No! DON'T RUN!!... I know you didn't mean to trip honey, but you should have left the cover on the bucket... No, Noah, oil won't give you water on the brain..."
When Timothy and Uriah returned, they found this scene before them. Camille and Rachel were shooting rubber bands at each other from opposite corners of the room. Nickolas was pushing all the desks together against the wall to make a ship. Laura was sitting in a pool of oil crying. Noah had gotten the gum out of his hair just by yanking it out, leaving bald patches all over his head and was sitting on the lap of their beloved Teacher. She was sitting on a chair in the middle of the room, tied to the chair with blue, orange and lime green yarn, covered in oil from streaming hair to greasy shoes, staring with wild, red-rimmed eyes at the clock...
You can imagine why Timothy and Uriah were found in the hall rolling on the floor, laughing...
I'm working on the next story. Don't rush me! I'm waiting for the last minute!